Mystery Illness Leads to Depression and Disability
I cut my foot on a rock on the beach in the Caribbean on New Years’ Day, 2000. I began to feel sick within days, suddenly stricken with extreme fatigue, nausea and vomiting, and severe pain throughout my entire body. The cut on my foot refused to heal – it just got worse and worse over the next few years. A dermatologist thought it might be Athlete’s Foot and prescribed Lamasil, however after I used it for a month the blisters from my foot spread to my hands where I had been touching the sore to apply the medicine. I just couldn’t cope with the pain and discomfort and memory loss my condition had been causing.
On the first Saturday after the New Year in January, 2004 I attended the first workshop in a monthly series called “Joyful Living”, held by Madison, Wisconsin Reiki Master Teacher Mary Preuss-Olson ( www.magnificentvoyage.com ). After the first class, just looking at my workbook made me feel so sad I cried. I had been unhappy for such a long time, due to the physical pain my illness was causing me. At the time, I was so depressed that the idea of even feeling Joy again seemed impossible.
The next Monday morning my alarm didn’t go off on time and I was rushing and trying to drink a cup of coffee in the shower. The coffee cup broke, and I just slid down into the tub and started crying hysterically. I was no longer able to face teaching yet another basic computer class that was now hard for me to remember due to my illness. Rather than go back to a sunless, basement classroom I felt so hopeless I grabbed a piece of the broken coffee mug and slit my wrist. It was really more of a cry for help than a desire to die, and it made me face the fact that I had become unable to work.
Anti-depressant pills had never worked for me and caused serious negative side effects. While still employeed, I had begun a search for deeper healing through the EMF Balancing Technique and Reiki Master Certification through Mary. Also, in a weekend class taught by Maureen St. Germaine I learned to practice the Flower of Life Merkabah meditation ( www.floweroflife.org ). Flower of Life has many instructors worldwide who can teach how to increase power of our own souls through Sacred Geometry and the Star Tetrahedron – the true shape and structure of our Eternal Soul or Light Body (Mer Ka Bah). Through adding this sacred 17 breath meditation whenever the Spirit moved, I’ve realized it is Earth’s most essential Spiritual Ascension Practice, a teaching that is truly universally necessary for achieving permanent memory and enlightenment.
Thank goodness I had spent my free time while employed learning these valuable spiritual tools, as I am convinced they saved my life, and are two powerful pieces of The Truth that have been missing from our Western philosophies. Being unable to work anymore was a very dark and depressing time for me, so I decided to devote all my energy to inner healing.
While attending a workshop on the Healing Power of Love by Flower of Life founder Drunvelo Melchizadec, I coined the term “InnerNet” to help describe the network of Chakras that I learned we need to energize regularly to give our souls energy a boost. That next year I spent most of my time curled up in bed in a snuggly warm position I termed a “Heart Nap”, just focusing my energy in my heart as Drunvelo suggested and trying to clear all negative thoughts from my mind.
Asking for Dream Guidance
After setting my intention to heal and learn all I could on this path, I started to listen to the CD I got in the Joyful Living course. I played the 20 minute guided meditation “Daily Tune Up” nearly every single day for three months. Asking for spiritual guidance through dreams was suggested in the Joy Connection workshop, and so I took the process very seriously. “Please, God, show me in a dream tonight what to do to feel JOY!”, I prayed every night before I went to sleep. I have always felt certain there is a Higher Power, but I realized I’d never know for sure unless I put the idea of asking Him for guidance to the test.
For the first several nights, I had no dreams, just a nightmare about being back at work and trying to hide so no one would see me. I just kept meditating every day and asking for help more clearly each night. I went to bed one night, again, expressing to God and all the Archangels and Angels my urgent need for clear direction in my dreams on how to feel more joy, or at least a reason for living!
That night, I had a dream that I was in a field running down a short grassy hill. There were several puppies and dogs running and playing with me. I recorded the dream in my workbook. The next night, I had almost exactly the same dream. The third night, I was in a store surrounded by dog toys. After three nights in a row, I got the message! For starters, God and the Angels were telling me to play with my dog more. That seemed easy enough. And so I did.
Despite the cold Wisconsin winter weather, our dog Hutch and I would spend a few moments several times every day running around in the backyard together. We’d play hide and seek with a ball in the house, too. I’d throw the ball and he would bark anytime it got stuck under the couch or bed where he couldn’t reach it, and I’d help him.
To be more playful by itself was a great trinity of teaching dreams. Acting more playfully provided me a small amount of natural relief from the depression and chronic pain I was suffering from.
Soon, I realized I needed more meaningful activities in my life. Playing with Hutch was fun, and I got a certain level of contentment from that. After a lifetime of seeking my own personal Higher Purpose, I knew I’d find it if I just kept asking - I was ready to do something to start FINDING a reason for living, already! I began to write down my prayer requests before bedtime, pleading for more specific information in my journal.
One night I wrote as I prayed, “Please, God, Please! Playing with Hutch has helped a little but I need more of a reason to keep living with all this pain I’m suffering! Please, be specific and show me in a dream EXACTLY my Higher Purpose. What should I spend most of my time, effort and energy talking about, thinking, and acting about for the highest good of all? Why am I HERE?”
Be careful what you ask for! The next night, I had a very clear, specific, and highly symbolic dream.
My Higher Purpose Dream
As my dream began, I was outside, soaking up some sun. I walked inside, and sat down next to my partner, Gene. He was admiring a very beautiful dried Green Flower, which spiraled around a long stem. I realized right away that it was a sacred ganga flower, which I had learned a lot about from my friends and reading on-line. I broke a small part of the flower from the stem, and looked closely at it as I crumbled it up to share with Gene.
Unlike most people I know, I was over thirty before I even tried cannabis myself. As Earth’s original natural antidepressant, just a small amount of this all natural herb (three breaths inhaled about the size of a raisin each) would be enough to keep us feeling happy and free from depression for a couple of hours!
Inside the flower bud were I found three perfect little seeds. Although cannabis flowers are female, and the male plants produce only seeds, occasionally a female plant will intentionally create just a few male seeds to ensure the continuation of the species. The seeds spoke to me of the wisdom of nature, the certainty of eternal life and the essential immortality of Truth. There being three seeds was clearly a message from the Holy Spiritual Trinity directly!
At that moment my step father, Al walked into the room. As usual, he had a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other. I put the small handful of now seedless dried herbal medicine into a glass pipe and stretched out my hand towards him. I said, “Hey Al, come here and smoke this with us! It’s better for you than either of those two things!” This dream was in more clear living color and felt more spiritually significant and remarkable than any dream I had had in this lifetime.
Read on to Part 2 And see how I asked for a sign to help me overcome my fear of accepting this is my secret purpose!
